I felt so sad today.
I am glad grandma took care of baby so that I can truly have some rest, physically and mentally.
I felt complete blank in my mind when I opened my eyes. I do not know what I am longing for in the coming days. I stayed in bed before because of tiredness. Now my tiredness has gone and I am more tired than before. I have no motivation to get up at all! I supposed this is some sort of depression. However, it is completely damned normal to have depression symptoms at this stage of my life, isn’t it?
I was too lazy to make my lunch and so had it at restaurant. I had so much free time. I enjoyed that. I can have some time on my own, to feel myself and to see the world. Even though my world is limited as my neighborhood meanwhile, I decided to stay as close to my home as possible. It is not a good time for too much exercises for now.
After finishing the last post, I wanted to go to bed and rest for awhile. I wanted to finish something but do not know what to do. I lied on the bed and tears coming out naturally. Why do I keep crying? I thought it is almost over but my tears proves not while I am alone, truly alone.
I have a burning question for God, where are you while I am going through all these? I know you are here somewhere or there, I know you love me, but I just can’t feel your presence. I did not see you when I was in the hospital. There were many people comforting me and I doubted, are they the angels you sent for me? If they are really your angels, why did you take my angel away? Is that the way you love me? Why do you have to love me in this way?
Then I thought of calling some Catholic-related associations for help. I need some spiritual counselling right now. I called several Christianity organisations, however either no one answered or line busy. At last I have found a Catholic association for help.
He has solid foundation in Catechism and his words did comfort me and give me a deeper thought about my doubts of God. A way to help me find God is to feel myself, he told me. I thought he was going to ask me pray. But he did not. He asked me to feel my sadness, let my tears out whenever necessary. I knew this from books, friends and my helping professional friends from time to time. However, it is really hard for me to feel the sadness this time. Without judgement, without the urge of looking out for reasons behind my tears, just sit there and cry, sob.
I find it is really hard to let my tears simply drop without asking for reasons, especially this time. I would cry whenever possible, but I would ask myself the meaning of the tears every time. I wanted to “solve the problem”, so that I would not cry again. But this time my tears just drop naturally, I can’t help not stop crying. And the counselor asked me to stop asking why (for now, since I have unstable emotions), just let my emotions, anger, sadness, whatever it is all out.
I tried not asking for reasons and simply let tears coming out and I burst at once.
I missed my baby so much. I realized how much I miss her. I felt guilty not able to take care of her, I felt so regrettable that I could not hold her in my arms. I want to appreciate and enjoy starry nights with her. I did not blame God but do not know why does he take away this opportunity from me. I want to be her mum, taking care of her, to see the world together, to make her happy, to see her smile.
But now all of these only happen in my dream. And I miss such opportunity so much.